The boys are gone tonight, and I’m sitting alone on the back deck. Birds are chirping. Sun going down. And I’m thinking deep thoughts that would drive many people crazy. I’m just deep. No matter how hard I’ve tried to change that, I can’t. Trying to figure out how to avoid being deep only causes me to go deeper. And that’s really okay. God loves me this way.
I’ve been here on this deck alone before.
I remember sitting on this deck alone crying my eyes out because I hated this house. We left our dream home – a home we built from the bottom up as a family to live here. Because of financial reasons. I cried out to God begging Him to get me out of here, believing that a better house would really make me feel tons better. But that didn’t happen.
And tonight I’m thankful for this house. It’s perfect…because it’s where my children lay their heads at night and where my husband comes home to me. This house is perfect.
I remember sitting on this deck alone crying because the people I so desperately hoped would want to really know me simply didn’t. Why don’t they want to know me, Lord? The pain of wanting to be known by people who don’t want to know you can be pretty sharp.
But tonight I’m thankful for the people who DO want to know me. They are amazing folks…real folks…emotionally sloppy people who aren’t afraid to show their hearts (and sometimes their butts, if you know what I mean). And that’s the kind of people I am, too. The friends I have are perfect.
I remember sitting on this deck alone aching to be needed in some big way. “Lord, please open a door for me that proves to me I have a real purpose.” I cried and cried thinking of all the closed doors… allowing the enemy of my soul to whisper lies into my heart such as, No one wants you, Teasi. No one wants you.
But tonight I know the lies aren’t true. Because the Lover of my Soul wants me always, and for some reason tonight I’m able to see that there truly aren’t any “no’s” in God’s kingdom…only “yes’s” to something else. And it’s okay if I don’t know the something else yet. Tonight it’s okay.
So…for this moment on this deck…I’m okay. And I’ll take this moment. And I will do all I can to frame it in my heart and hang it on the wall there, because I believe this is the REAL moment. The moment when all is okay. When my God is present, and His plans are sure. The moment when my heart is seen – with all its pain and all its incredibly deep and complex thoughts. And it is loved.
On this deck. Alone. Right now. All. Is. Well.