I was hoping it would happen, but it didn’t.
I was hoping that the first morning of 2020 would offer me a new kind of morning. A morning in which I’d awaken with a light heart, filled with hope and anticipation for the new day.
But it didn't.
I woke up, yet again, heavy-hearted. Weighted down with thoughts of what’s been unjustly taken from my family--of how unfair it is to pay for another man's sin--of what's uncertain for the future as we continue to rebuild--wondering how a 51-year-old woman starts over, etc.
This is why I absolutely must have my time with the Lord (and my sweet husband) each morning. It usually takes about an hour (and a bit too much coffee) to get my sights set on things above.
It’s true again this morning--post coffee and contemplation--my heart has finally landed on a truth I know is from the Lord. It is a hard truth, and one I hope will settle deep within me because its fruit is contentment, peace, and hope—exactly what I pray for each day.
I'd love to share it with you in case you find yourself in a similar place.
I'll start with God's Word:
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
I am not my own.
My life is His. He is sovereign. It is for His glory that I live. I am His beloved daughter and His vessel to use as He wills to complete His purposes on earth.
I believe that. I LOVE that. And this morning it hit me: If my life is His this morning, it’s always been … His.
My first breath, His.
My childhood, His.
The 23 years I invested in a church family I loved, His.
All His.
I don’t believe God expects us to apply this truth in such a way that it diminishes our individual experiences as created beings. He gave us feelings. He understands our hearts can be wounded. He gave us emotions. God the Son experienced all of this on earth: betrayal, despair, anguish.
But Jesus knew the purpose of His earthly life was to glorify the Father and His good and righteous plans, which is why He could lay it all down:
For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me. John 6:38
There are so many paradoxes in God’s economy:
“Jesus weeps at the grave of the friend whom he raises: he sleeps in the storm, which by his power he stills; he in vain seeks figs on the tree, which he causes to wither at a word.”[i]
It’s my life, but it’s His.
My life is a gift—not my own. Each breath I take, a gift. Each beat of my heart, a gift. Each year I live, a gift. The years that feel stolen aren’t my own--they were a gift.
I don’t expect this truth will stick once and for all in my heart. I know I’ll have to remind myself, maybe even daily. But when I remember that all my years belonged to Him before one day was ever given to me, it puts me in an entirely different posture.
It’s like being given a large amount of money that I worked hard to invest only to have that investment unjustly taken. It’s undeniably painful to suffer this … but remembering the money wasn’t mine to begin with (and my benefactor already knew it would happen and has a great plan) changes so much.
It humbles me, and it is humility that ushers in the beautiful, healing grace of God.
God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6
Prayer:
Father, thank You for the gift of life. Thank you for the incredible privilege of being created in Your image—as Your glorifier. There is no greater purpose. And thank You for the gift of breath each morning. There is nothing I can do to make myself breath. There is nothing I can do to keep my heart beating. You alone sustain my life and my days.
I surrender this gift back to you today. I choose to remember all my days and years have been Yours all along.
Please help my first thought of each day be this: I am my Father’s. My life is Yours. I long to remain humble.
And let the peace for which you paid so dearly be my wake-up call.
[i] Christ and the Bible by John Wenham, pg. 63